This is not the sound of a new man or crispy realization
It's the sound of the unlocking and the lift away

Re:stacks - Bon Iver
Play count: 4798

Have been falling asleep to this song on replay replay for the past month. It's come to a point where I can't shut down without it. Slightly unhealthy, but unhelpable.


Too much fried chicken makes for long nights and bad skin, but I'm happy to brave the pimples and the fats for quality time with people that I hold dear.

Ache,

May 29th



It's the unlocking of a heavy door,
To a past that is long dead
The dead thump of a dropping heart,
The cold of an empty bed.
The slides and glides of cello strings,
That linger in the dark
A shadow of a stolen kiss
That has forever left its mark
Those empty nights that went on and on
Spent listening to the rain,
Unfeeling, numb, beyond comprehension
Watching the sun die over and over again.
The cold of your fingers on the nape of my neck
Salty waves dying on the shore,
Chapped lips left half-parted,
"I can't do this anymore."

Crusty edged, picture perfect,
Skies that left me broken hearted.
sun kissed skin and star lit eyes,
Wishing that you'd never started.
A familiar voice you thought you'd forgotten,
the missing harmony of an old song,
The acid that drips deep in your stomach
When you realize you were wrong.
The leaks of honey on your chin,
The end of something good;
It's the guilty pleasure in midst of the pain
Of a sin you never should.
The words you never really meant,
Lay sweet, savoured, spent.
All you heart weighed in gold,
The dying breath of stories never told.

Whispered seductions calling out,
Begging you to close your eyes-
Unclench your muscles and just give in
Lose your pain, say goodbye.

May 14th

May 14th, Stargazer


Stop. Stop. Stop. 2.32 am. Today would be day three without any sleep. There was nothing wrong with him, he just couldn't shut his thoughts down. Even with his eyelids closed, the transcripts of broken thoughts ran white across the black background. He'd actually grown rather fond of them, finding that fighting it only made it worse. So he gave in and went under.

"It takes the sun's rays 8 minutes and 20 seconds to reach earth. So if the sun died, we wouldn't know it for-"
"the universe is constantly expanding to-"
human beings are the only living thi-"

"I will always be here."

Stop. Stop. It was dangerous to let his mind wander too far. Even with his brain so completely frazzled, he knew that that was forbidden ground. The moment he allowed himself to take on step into that mess, he would sink. Sometimes he was grateful for all the weariness, he could barely even stand up, much less over think things.

2.33 am

But the stray thought had done its dues. He wasnt going to get any sleep tonight. Make that day four.
With a heavy sigh, he heaved himself from bed, winching at the sharp pain that gathered at his temples. The still dark backdrop of the fresh day stood waiting for him and his telescope, seducing and sultry, inviting him with their twinkling mystery.
As he leaned into the eyepiece, the constellations took their places in the sky, stricking poses before the view of his telescope. A faint recollection of a forgotten promise tugged at the back of his mind, one of the stars and of blissful oblivious time spent. But the memory ran away before he could grab hold of it. It didn't matter though, he wouldnt remember regretting it tomorrow. The universe is constantly expanding, but he couldn't recall what he was so sad about leaving behind.

It couldn't have been very important, anyway.

May 13th

May 13th


Here is a promise to you:

-there will be soft nights spent entirely wordless, but far, far from empty. We'll find our places somewhere in between the darkness and silence where our eyes won't be of much use. (I don't need my eyes to see you anyway) and we'll be able to stop thinking, even for just a moment.
-there will be blood, on both of our hands. I will turn my back on you but I'll find my way home somehow or rather, because deep down we both know that I could never leave.
-there will be sunlight and warmth. Itll be horrible for me to admit and even worse to watch. Youll give me all the red and orange I could ever ask for, and I-I will be enough.

This will be our little secret, our inside joke that no one else could possibly understand. Cover it up with both your hands and shield it from the prying eyes. Keep it in your heart-and close to mine.

Resonance

April


She was trying, she said, to be all that.
She was trying to call focus to what was right in front of her eyes, but it seemed that she had grown weary of what time world didn't have to offer. If only she could wear the dread she felt on her shoulders, just to show herself that she was allowed to sink. It felt rather horrid to be caught between two constantly moving time frames: she felt like an intruder stepping back into a past that no longer belonged to her, as it was draining to live in a present where everything just slipped through her fingers. Time always passed the same way, a blur until it was no more.

She lacked many things. She lacked discipline and she lacked vision. most recently, she had discovered that she lacked talent. It was frustrating to have spent so much time appreciating and loving, to only be frustrated at being absolutely and disgustingly normal.

She lacked the ability to amaze people.

But now and again, she finds her moments in the pauses. Swimming in deep undertones and hanging Aftertastes, she catches a glimpse of how it is to be wonderful. But thinking so much isn't healthy, and it's making her head ache. She closes her eyes and resigns to be suffocated by her own limitations.

For now, she is content with songs that resonate in the somewhat hollow cavity in her, thinking: someday, somehow.

"there's nothing you can't turn into a drug."

Brace yourselves gentlemen, it's another blogpost written by a teenage girl complaining about being fat. (it's that time of the month)

My mind is a bitch.
I do have to give it some credit though, it is incredibly creative; coming up with new excuses whenever I'm faced in a situation where I have to exert even the slightest bit of self control of discipline.

Self control (well, at least my self control) is like that one friend that feeds you with kind words and empty promises only to abandon you and sleeps with the enemy in the crunch time. There was a period of time where I was a little bit too obsessed with my weight, weighing myself every hour and eating nothing but grains and wheat in desperate attempt to look like a bombshell (imagine my despair when I looked like a hagged hobo and my boobs disaappeared.)
Recently, I made the incredibly stupid decision to indulge in well, everything. It has come to the point where i eat until I make myself sick. Believe me, I've tried the whole "moderation" thing, but there's something about my body that seems to love the adrenaline rush that comes with going to the utmost extremes.

After a horrible pigging out session, I lay in resignation with my insides churning and ready to upchuck, where I promise myself that I will never inflict this pain upon myself ever again. I stand in front of the mirror and look in disgust at the once rather toned but currently rather blubbery mess that my body has become. I do realize that I am not "fat" in it's definition, but I do feel uncomfortable with myself. Being self consciousness is something I am proud to have conquered, and I certainly don't appreciate being worried about looking like a slob all the time. So I tell myself :that's it. This has got to stop, this isn't healthy. But then Mutti comes home with a chocolate cake and before I know it I'm taking "one last bite", over and over again. Telling myself "hey, you're having midterms. You need the energy to study. Just one bite wont make any difference anyway." and the cycle never ends.

You must have realized at this point that I am indeed, a crazy person. And I don't know why I am bothering you with the horrific and disgusting details of my...extremtism,but I am going to make a stand, for my own good.

So dear, dear reader, with you as my witness, i promist myself that all this stops now.
I will stop eating once I am full. I will eat healthy. When temptations arise, I will look at them in the face and walk away. Nothing tastes as good as the satisfaction of knowing that I was strong enough to walk away.

I know that I could break this anytime, but I won't let myself do it. I will surprise myself.

Fuzzy

I gave up after realizing that I'd read the same passage five times over without understanding a word of it. It was 12.30, half an hour in the new morning. I'd been at it for about 3 hours now. My shoulders were coiled up and my eyes were dry, i wondered how I was going to get up at six in a few hours time for school.

But the day manages to go on, as it always does.

Wrapped in the sheets is where my leaden limbs belong, face pressed against the cold side of the pillow. My eyesight is as bad as its ever going to be. Shapes deformed and lights a-flashing, the world seems so different from these unfocused eyes.

It's all going to be worth it, I promise myself.
It's all going to be worth it.
But god, some inspiration would be good right about now. It's so easy to forget what you were fighting for in the first place, when you've been bled bone dry. Maybe it's because this isn't enough to pull me through. But I won't give up. Today, I've seen what a little bit of motivation can do. Perhaps it came from the wrong source, one that I have sworn off, but it waa motivation all the same. So I will go on, if only in hopes of finding something that will never leave me hanging out to dry.

Shine

A list of first-timers I will always want to relive:

The first time I listened to "On My Own" by Lea Salonga

The first time I ate chilli cheese fries at Betty's

The first time I experienced the silence with someone special

The first time I read Extremely Loud & Incredibly Close

The first time I cried in the rain

My first cha-time

The first time I looked into a boy's eyes and discovered how it felt like to be hopelessly in like with someone.

The first time I sang to someone on the phone

The first time I realized that I'd do anything for my best friend

The first time dad brought Buddy home

The first time I watched scrubs

And as of recently,

The first time I saw my name, and work, in print.


The first time of everything shall always be the most impact full, the most passionate. And my gosh, I finally remember why I got into all this is the first place.

Creature Fear.

Don't let it form us,
Don't let it form us.

--

There are some instances in life where you look around and realize with a start how insanely happy you are. In that moment, you wonder how you've never seen it before (it was always right there in front of you waiting to be noticed) you feel blessed and thankful for all this, and almost instantly, the fear of losing it all attacks. When you're content, there is so much more to lose.

It was all I could do to look around me and try to fully absorb the moment before it was gone. I remember how shocked I was when Syasya's tears started to flow, she said that she was so afraid that we wouldn't be able to hang out anymore. Although I would never admit this to them, I understood her. I was too embarrassed to tell them how much they meant to me, but I really will miss them. I'm going to miss all of you. We probably won't ever be able to remake these amazing, past two weeks, but we should be grateful for them nontheless. That kind of blissful, mindless joy that only comes with the total sense of belonging, it doesn't come very often.

Now, I wish I could tell all of you how much I appreciate your tears, sweat and love. But I'm afraid that I'll sell myself short. This meant so much to everyone of us, and honestly, when I look back on this experience, I don't see the bronze trophy or the disappointment. I see the affectionate group hugs, the spontaneous dancing, the rap battles, the pokemon cuddling, the dim sum girl obsessing, the teasing, the dedication, and most of all, how much I loved just being with every single one of you.

So here's another lesson to be learned. Not just from this, but in the light of the recent thoughts and events that have been accumulating in my mind. Another one of Weiann's melodramatic words of wisdom; caring for someone isn't something to be ashamed of.

it is a privilege.
and I am so privileged to have gotten to know, and love, each one of you.

even you.




[i've forgotten how good it feels to write for yourself. sigh.]

All I've Got

Take me by the hand, and take me places I don't know.

--

These past few weeks have been, mind numbingly busy. I've been relying on caffeine, cheese and fear to keep my engines running. But it's the good kind of hectic, I suppose. Because I'm busy doing things that I love. I'm writing.

There's been a huge ass elephant in the room that's been occupying my mind for the past month or so. The starstruck job. It's a writing gig for the star's stuff@school pullout, with a big mystery prize waiting at the finish line for a select few. And the most amazing part is that I actually made the cut. I'm part of the 40-something writers and 20-something ambassadors that have been scouted from all over the nation. There have been some minor panic attacks, but all is fine so far. Being busy with assignments and interviews is something I can handle, it's enough to know that I'm getting somewhere with this.

What's more, I have met so many new people through this program. They are amazing, though that just makes the fact that I am in a bloodthirsty competition with them to get our work published even more terrifying. But hey, no pressure. *click click* Right now, all is well and the sun is shining. The year has been amazing so far. I can already see myself looking back on these tearful sweat soaked days and getting all sentimental and sniffly. Well, onwards we go-




-weiann

To my skinny love,

I wrote this in late September last year, (woah, it's been almost four months.) and I don't think I have ever written anything more sincere in my entire life. I found this saved as a draft and man, it brought flushes of the extreme variety. Lord knows I might be a little bit stupid, bringing this out now, but when you told me those things, it made me feel so at peace. It made me sad, but it put some of the ghosts in my heart to rest. I never once considered the possibility that you'd be hurting too. at the end of the day, after everything, all I ever wanted was a little piece of you, and now I feel like I have it. it's not much, but it's enough. Maybe you need a little bit too, I don't know. But where I am now, I can truly say that I mean what I said to you 5 months ago. Even if I knew that things were going to turn out like this, I would have done it all over again. I hope you see this, and I hope you don't. But god, please let this be the last goodbye, I don't want to have to go through all this again.


[Written on September 25th, 2011]

MY FEELINGS;
I just want to capture this before it’s gone forever. I really like the way you reach over and touch my cheek to ask me if I’m okay when ive been a little quiet. How your face lights up when you find me in the crowd and the way play with my hands. I like, your hand tuts and your little penguin walk, your weird fingers and chapped lips. I like you, a lot. And I’m grateful that I had the pleasure of liking you so much. Even though it made the ache so much deeper, i love the way you mad me feel. So, thank you. Goodbye.